28th May 2013, 8.37am, My Office - Last night...He came to see me at 645pm. He brought some garments which he bought in H&M KL. My heart beat so fast when I saw him, I feel scared...scared if only he grabbed my baby and runaway from me. He walked to me and called my name. My heart beat extra fast when near to me. Someone who legally become my husband has now became like a devil to me. This is weird...but this is exactly how I feel that time. He came forward and helped me to carry the baby up. After he entered my apartment, I locked the grill to make sure he dont have anywhere to run. I arranged my stuff while he is holding our baby. I just keep myself silent...i tried my best to avoid any conversation with him. I sit on the bed while he was sitting at paris' hall. Suddenly, he called my name and asked me to talk to him. Damn...I am expecting this! I know he will do this when he get so desperate. From the room i just said "..if u want to talk to me...just talk. I dont want to see your face." He was not so happy with my response and keep pushing me to come to him. I finally dragged myself and stand in front of him to make the conversation works (for him). My heart dead...I have no trust on him anymore. How can I talk to a person who lie to me over and over again. It's just so unfair for me. He is bastard!! If I have gun and shooting people is legal...I will do that to him that time...seriously!!! With my dead and no feeling face, I stand in front of him...listen to what he just want to say. As usual..he talked nonsense...he asked me why my cell phone doesn't work. I told him...my cell phone is not with me but it's in Samsung shop need to be fixed. It was a white lie I made to cover myself. Silly me, I should've just tell the truth about I put him in my blocked list, that's why he cannot contact me at all. But I just dont understand why I should cover myself to him. He seems ok with my while lie and just make is OK face to me. Then...he attempt to talk about us. I try to avoid...but he came to me, hold me tight and forced me to listen to what he want to say. I tried to get myself away from him and I warned him not to touch me. But he seems stubborn and still grabbed me tight and makes me cannot move at all. He told me, the reason why he came that evening is to tell me that he feel bad about the whole situation. He felt that way when he went to KL and passes all the places we ever been together. It reminds him of me. Then he told me...he wants to fix our relationship. He wants to take care of me and paris. He wants to guide me in a right path as muslim as i coverted become muslim for him. When he think all about that, he felt so hard to let me go. If you were in my shoes...what will you feel? Well, here's what I felt...I still think he is lying to me. He play with his sweet words to capture my heart as he know I always have a soft spot for him here in my heart. He know very well my weaknesses. Then, he hug me tightly and... What had happened...happened! There's nothing much I can change about it. In the end of the day, I still dont feel secure with him and I still dont trust him at all. That's all I can say.

26th May 2013 - Month of May is come to it's end. And here I am sitting on the couch with my ultrabook and Paris just next to me sleeping. I wonder what is he doing now? Is he thinking about us? Arghhh....silly me..MOVE ON!! FORGET HIM!!! I wish I can forget him easily..I guess the best remedy to forget someone is Sleep. Need some morning sleep now ;(

22nd May 2013, Wednesday - We are all playing in the same Game, but different Levels..Dealing with the same Hell, just different Devils. I guess that was the warp of yesterday. My romantic love story with my husband end up with a big fight in Syariah Court. Our conversation now replaced by our lawyer's conversation who represent each of us. Even though we still not yet officially divorce, but the boundaries between us has become so tall and thicker that It makes me see that one day me and my husband would end up as familiar stranger to each other. I have the intention to create this blog ever since I got married to my Egyptian husband. But, because of I'm kinda lazy and doesn't really have the drives to take me here, I end up delaying my intention to start this blog. One reason that drives me to start now is I wanted to shared everything what I have been through with my husband..an egyptian guy who I met in one club. I can never forget the day he approached me...how gentle he was and any girls especially like me..so naif and innocent would certainly melt in his gentleness. That was on the 26th June 2010. I still remember how he held my hands and asked my number before I left the club and said "can i know you?" while passing his cell phone to me with a hope that I would give him my number (which i did). I should've just ignore him that moment. I may not be in this situation if I choose not to give him my number :( Anyway...anyhow...things happened and there's nothing can change it anymore. I just got to face the reality and push myself to move on and never look back. I pity myself...what have I done to her that makes her suffer this much. I asked myself thousand times...why me? why me have to face all this? why me? I leave the questions playing in my mind. Someone I thought my lifetime soul mate has now become familiar stranger to me. Someone who promise that we will be together until forever has now become history. Bittersweet history...Someone who swear in the name of God that he will never divorce me finally pass a letter from a law firm to summon me in Syariah Court. I drove all the way from my hometown to the City just to get the letter and be make sure to attend the session in Syariah Court. I was shaking when I read the letter saying that my husband wants to divorce me. I dont know how to express how exactly I feel that time. I started to think that I have nobody now. I am so lost. With my new religion and be on my own for a another 30 years (if i live longer). If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Anyway, what happened..is happened. There's nothing much I can change about it. Maybe it's hard for me now, but I believe as time goes by...I will get used with it. I believe there must be graces above all this.